I finally feel whole. I don't feel pulled in every direction at once mentally. Of course life is always pulling me in different directions, but it is different since I feel like I am finally in control of my life. The saying everything happens for a reason is always in the back of my mind. It is frustrating, however when that statement tends to stay in my frontal lobe, and I can't for the life of me know why something happened. It can be very frustrating.
I finally figured out why a relationship ended for me. This was puzzling and hurtful to me because it ended so abruptly and without any explanation or way to communicate about the decision. I became a different person throughout this experience, and forced myself not to call and make contact. This is normally very hard for me because I like to have closure...on everything. When that was taken away from me, it forced me to change my blueprint. The details that followed don't really matter.
The reason I personally believe it happened was to show me that I can get over things without drama, that my reactions to things are my choice and that I cannot control what anyone else around me does. I learned that I can force myself not to make that call or send that text, whatever the situation may be.
It certainly didn't kill me. It suppressed my passionate side for quite some time, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Of course I fixated that energy into other things; important things. My children and I spent a lot of time together during those months of reflection and healing, and this opened the door for me to become completely focused on a life changing job opportunity.
I realize now that it wasn't just a failed relationship that I needed healing from. It was a lot of things. I had never truly gotten to the point where I was completely happy just being me. I was happy, but I never had a moment when there wasn't someone I was thinking about, whether it was a long lost love, or another failed relationship. I can't put my finger on it, but that doesn't seem very healthy to me.
I've joked about being an emotional cutter, but I think I was. Why think about things that cause you pain? To put it in perspective, if every time I visited someone they would beat me until I was black and blue, I damn sure wouldn't keep going back. Why did I do it to myself mentally then? Why did I keep visiting places time and again that couldn't be changed, and only reiterated that I had a broken heart? Why does anyone do this? It doesn't help us!
During this last time, when I finally got over things, I didn't think about anyone in that way. I went on a few dates, but it wasn't anything serious, and I didn't allow myself to open up. I didn't want to at all.
This is when I learned a fact about myself. I am a passionate person, and when I focus that energy into the right things, it is very powerful. When I immerse myself completely in only ONE thing though, is when things have a tendency to get complicated. What an amazing feeling to completely surrender and focus.
The difference right now, in this moment of my life is that I am able to focus on more than one thing. Even if I'm thinking about someone important to me, I can still concentrate on my children and my work and not completely lose myself. Okay, I can still be giddy and tingly but it isn't all I can be. This must be what that wonderful word balance is all about. I'm kind of digging it.
