Feeling as if the entire world is at your fingertips and not knowing what to do or where to go is very frustrating, but that has been my life in a lot of ways.
It is almost as if I've always known I was supposed to do something great, but could never quite put my finger on it or focus my energy. I think that is the learning process of finding out what makes us as individuals tick.
In that time, it has taken me quite sometime to truly be happy with who I am. Don't get me wrong. I've been happy with myself before, and there have been points in my life when I felt as if I was almost where I needed to be. Almost.
I'm not exactly sure what made me realize that I am truly the cause of my own happiness, but I'm grateful that I finally did. It is nice to know that no matter what other people do or decide, I will be okay.
In the past, when I have been in situations where heart break was prevalent, I would close off into myself, cry for days, and generally wonder what I did wrong. I know. Pathetic.
Who knows why it is different now? In fact, tears have not even been an option. I feel a loss, but it isn't an unhealthy feeling at all. In fact, the entire situation was healthy from the start. Perhaps that is why it is different now, and the realization has finally sunk in that life is forever changing for the good and the bad, and the only person I can control is myself.
I have no idea what the future holds, and it is best that I don't, since knowing tends to work against it in some strange way if that makes any sense.
The kiddos and I are getting ready to move again, and this time I'm not going to make the mistake of thinking that saving money is better than my independence, and the happiness of the children. Of course, had I realized that things would have happened how they did, I never would have changed courses in the first place. Live and learn, and I seem to constantly be doing that.
The past couple of months have been wonderful for the most part except for the ex-husband drama which is precisely why we are moving. I refuse to put myself or them in this situation ever again, and I have come too far to have to deal with this crap.
"Little Women" is coming along well, and lately I've been feeling as though I got type-cast in this role of Jo March. I'm not a tomboy, but she is determined to make anything work, and will fight tooth and nail to accomplish what she has planned.
Rehearsals are therapeutic for me now, and I love completely throwing myself into the roles I'm cast in. I generally have so much energy, that I have to have a place to focus it or I am all over the place. This can be in the form of my children, a relationship, a show, work, you name it. I am slowly but surely learning how to spread my energy evenly throughout everything that needs my focus, and this is another thing that has taken years to accomplish.
I am going to be one awesome old lady one day if I keep this up. Hopefully I will have someone to share my life with by then, but if I don't I'm sure I will have a hobby to keep me busy! I'm thinking Jose` the pool boy. Yeah, I'm only kidding.
Being and staying whole is an ongoing process, but I know I am finally on the right path thank God. When I look back at how I was three years ago, I never would have thought it was possible, and it is a constant work in progress. Yes, I've been told I'm quite a piece of work, and I'm okay with that.
