I'm Human, Not Superwoman!

Tonight I came to the realization that it isn't wise for me to keep things bottled up, because it is eventually going to come out in some form or other. I guess that is one of the downfalls of being a passionate person.

These past few weeks, I have barely shed a tear. That is strange for me since I'm generally a fairly emotional person, and have the ability to empathize with most any situation.

I've had such a dry spell, that it has even been hard to get emotional on stage for my "semi-emotional" scenes. I guess in the back of my mind I've had the Scarlett O' Hara mentality. This mentality is that crying is for the weak, and in the book she actually felt like crying a few times, but was worried that if she did, she wouldn't be able to stop. This has been my thought process; that if I started to cry, I wouldn't be able to stop.

I didn't want that to happen, because I've rather enjoyed not succumbing to that emotion, especially when it is over such trivial things as a stupid broken heart. Really, that doesn't matter. Strong people don't need love right?

Okay, maybe we do, but dammit I'm sick and tired of crying! So, I said to myself that I was NOT going to cry about things, I was going to suck it up and move on. Believe me, I've sucked up quite a few things in my day, but not without some sort of emotional drama, and it gets old! I can't do it anymore, and if that means not giving in to some sort of emotional-cutting scene, then so be it. I'm done!

Tonight at rehearsal I was on edge more than usual. A few things could have caused this. Being that we open in less than a week, I was pissed at myself for dropping a couple of lines, and my timing was off in one of my songs. I've been dealing with my own feelings about certain things, and I sort of snapped.

I was singing my song "The Fire Within Me" which is after I break down after Beth's death, and I can hear people whispering VERY loudly offstage. Really??? I was so pissed that it showed during the song, but I was having trouble concentrating, and hearing the music. As an actor, you expect a certain amount of noise from an audience, but when your own people are doing it, you think they should know better!

I walked down the stairs and said, "I could hear you the entire time I was singing!!!" Then, I sat down in the wings stage right and proceeded to unleash a terrain of tears that I apparently had not let out in quite some time!

All in all, the off stage talking probably wouldn't have bothered me as much if I wouldn't have had so much to get out.

I often wonder if life would be easier if I didn't have to be so strong. Sometimes I just want to give in and not feel like I have to fight or prove something all of the damn time.

Of course, I'm still working on that balance. I don't want to be rigid and bitter, but I do want to be strong enough to be independent, yet still have a heart. I'm almost there, but dealing with things can be a challenge at times and yet the saying, "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger" is so very true.

I guess it is okay to cry from time to time. I'm learning how to not be ruled by my emotions though, and that in itself is very empowering.

Changing My Blueprint

Feeling as if the entire world is at your fingertips and not knowing what to do or where to go is very frustrating, but that has been my life in a lot of ways.

It is almost as if I've always known I was supposed to do something great, but could never quite put my finger on it or focus my energy. I think that is the learning process of finding out what makes us as individuals tick.

Thinking back on my life so far, I have worn many hats. I've been a child, daughter, sister, mother, adult, performer, soldier, writer, lover, fighter, wife, girlfriend, friend and plenty of other things that should probably go unmentioned.

In that time, it has taken me quite sometime to truly be happy with who I am. Don't get me wrong. I've been happy with myself before, and there have been points in my life when I felt as if I was almost where I needed to be. Almost.

I'm not exactly sure what made me realize that I am truly the cause of my own happiness, but I'm grateful that I finally did. It is nice to know that no matter what other people do or decide, I will be okay.

In the past, when I have been in situations where heart break was prevalent, I would close off into myself, cry for days, and generally wonder what I did wrong. I know. Pathetic.

Who knows why it is different now? In fact, tears have not even been an option. I feel a loss, but it isn't an unhealthy feeling at all. In fact, the entire situation was healthy from the start. Perhaps that is why it is different now, and the realization has finally sunk in that life is forever changing for the good and the bad, and the only person I can control is myself.

I have no idea what the future holds, and it is best that I don't, since knowing tends to work against it in some strange way if that makes any sense.

The kiddos and I are getting ready to move again, and this time I'm not going to make the mistake of thinking that saving money is better than my independence, and the happiness of the children. Of course, had I realized that things would have happened how they did, I never would have changed courses in the first place. Live and learn, and I seem to constantly be doing that.

The past couple of months have been wonderful for the most part except for the ex-husband drama which is precisely why we are moving. I refuse to put myself or them in this situation ever again, and I have come too far to have to deal with this crap.

"Little Women" is coming along well, and lately I've been feeling as though I got type-cast in this role of Jo March. I'm not a tomboy, but she is determined to make anything work, and will fight tooth and nail to accomplish what she has planned.

Rehearsals are therapeutic for me now, and I love completely throwing myself into the roles I'm cast in. I generally have so much energy, that I have to have a place to focus it or I am all over the place. This can be in the form of my children, a relationship, a show, work, you name it. I am slowly but surely learning how to spread my energy evenly throughout everything that needs my focus, and this is another thing that has taken years to accomplish.

I am going to be one awesome old lady one day if I keep this up. Hopefully I will have someone to share my life with by then, but if I don't I'm sure I will have a hobby to keep me busy! I'm thinking Jose` the pool boy. Yeah, I'm only kidding.

Being and staying whole is an ongoing process, but I know I am finally on the right path thank God. When I look back at how I was three years ago, I never would have thought it was possible, and it is a constant work in progress. Yes, I've been told I'm quite a piece of work, and I'm okay with that.

Relating and Not to Chic Flicks

Chic flicks aren't generally my fist choice to see at the movie theater. I prefer to spend the money on movies I deem "theater worthy" such as Sci-Fi, Superhero, and action flicks.

Don't get me wrong; I do like the girly movies as I have a few on DVD and watch them repeatedly when the mood strikes.

I never followed the "Sex and the City" series, and when the first movie came out one of my girlfriends invited me to go with her.

I enjoyed it and have since become a fan, and went to see the sequel last night.

This was a girl's night out event where 16 or more of us got dolled up, went to dinner, enjoyed a couple of beverages, and took up an entire row and a half to see Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda strut their stuff in the desert.

I have to admit I was looking forward to it because I did enjoy the first movie. I could relate to getting my heart ripped out like Carrie Bradshaw in the first one, and kudos to her for having the intestinal fortitude to completely end all contact.

Of course it had a happy fairy tale ending with a small wedding to the same guy that jilted her at the alter.

The sequel was enjoyable and parts were very funny, but I couldn't help think that Carrie and Charlotte really had nothing to complain about.

Carrie finally got the "love of her life" to marry her, they have an amazingly decorated apartment, she has a fabulous job, etc. yet she can't sit at home and relax with "the love of her life." Are you kidding me?

If I were to ever have "the love of my life" there would be nothing to complain about! To her credit she realizes this in the end, but come on.

Charlotte realizes that mother hood is a challenge, and her new child cries day and night. Okay, I have three children and we have all been there.

There is one point in the movie when she breaks down, and I can relate...but not really. The character of Charlotte doesn't work, has a full time nanny, and an adoring husband. Really people?

This is when my "movie fantasy" stopped and I was brought back to the real world and realized that this was just a movie.

I had a wonderful time with my girls and will do it again in a heartbeat. Next time I won't be in critic mode hopefully. :-)

It's Official

A new chapter in my life has officially begun. Although I have been separated from my ex for over two years now, the divorce is final. I got the final paperwork April 1, 2010.

It doesn't feel that different because of our lengthy separation, but it is a bit strange. I no longer have health insurance, and that isn't a good thing, but the children will keep their benefits. All in all the process was very good, and my ex and I get along great for the most part.

Political correctness aside, I have to be honest. Sometimes I feel as if I'm holding back in my blog posts since it is public and anyone can read my personal thoughts and feelings. Ironically, I want people to read my thoughts though. I know...getting around my weird little head is not for the faint of heart, but back to my honest feelings.

The truth is, I'm feeling it all. I'm scared, but since I've been living as a single parent anyway for the past two years, I know what to expect, and so do the children.

I think I'm scared because there is no going back, and it is almost as if a bridge has been burned, and I'm horrible at burning bridges! I'm not the type of person who puts finality in an ended relationship. If at all possible, I will fight tooth and nail to at least keep a friendship if only for the fact that me and that person shared something at one point.

The fact that we have been able to maintain a friendship and improve on it for that matter has been wonderful for the children, and I am very thankful that it has worked out like this.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with the decision. I'm excited about my new chapter, my crossing of the bridge if you will. I keep seeing the woman on a hill,wind blowing in her hair, and letting the scarf blow away in the true spirit of letting go.

All I can do is try my hardest to enjoy the journey, and not worry so much about the destination. Why is this so hard to do? It makes life so much more enjoyable when this is accomplished, but I am the worst about thinking about things entirely too much.

They say the first step is admitting it right? Well, here goes. My name is Amie, and I over think things too much! ;-)

The Choice to Grow

Heartbreak is a terrible thing, but it is also inevitable for the most part.

The great thing about life is the fact that we have the choice to grow from our experiences or not. I have been at points in my life where I felt as if I wanted to dig myself into a pit and never come back up for air. Okay, thankfully I didn't do that, but sometimes the hurt is so bad that you want it to just go away!

I'm unsure of the exact moment when I realized I was going to be just fine, but the moment came nonetheless.

I am finally truly starting to feel at peace with my past choices, and myself in general. I am feeling again. I guess that is the best way to put it. Don't get me wrong; it isn't like I've been going through life in an emo-induced cloud, but I have had some bitter feelings.

"There is no one out there for me, or I will never love again" has rolled off of my lips many times. Did I ever truly want to believe that? Of course not. What I did learn however was that I needed to take a good look at myself. I know it sounds cliche', but if you don't love yourself, then how can you expect anyone else to love you in return?

We are all just human, and want to be loved for the most part and we need to start with ourselves.

I am happy with the realization that life goes on. It really does, and that is a wonderful thing, hiccups and all.

Perspective

When one reads about atrocities that can barely be fathomed by the human mind, it tends to put things in perspective.

Whether it is the tragic Haiti earthquake, or the constant mistreatment of women worldwide, my life is pretty damn good from where I stand.

Ever since I began reading "Half the Sky" by Nicholas D. Kristof, I have found my thought process changing yet again as a woman, single mother, and an American.

I have been trying for some time now to get back to this thankful thought process, and I don't know what in the world was wrong with me.

Americans as a whole have so much to be thankful for. Some say our system is corrupt. Really? Although our system is not perfect, it never will be because it is run by human beings, but so far we have managed for the most part to maintain a certain amount of decorum and healthiness.

We feed those in need via our welfare program although we have a terrible homeless situation. We don't however publicly rape our women just to make a political statement of hate. I'm talking about women and girls who are sometimes ages three and up according to "Half the Sky," and that isn't even the worst of it.

I'm guilty of whining about "stress" as much as any of us. I'm not even saying I will never whine about insignificant things again. I am however, thankful that I'm allowed to express how I feel and have the chance to get an education.

So what if the "love of my life" doesn't pan out? So what if I have to "struggle" to make ends meet? Seriously, there are so many people in this world who will never have any option of surviving or having any good quality of life.

Instead of writing about it, perhaps I will one day be in a real position to make a difference.

And I'm Off...

Today was the start of the spring semester, and I am taking seventeen hours of classes. Basically, I will have no life for the next few months.

This is great though because I won't have time to worry about needless things. Okay, perhaps some of my worries aren't so needless, but if focus wasn't my forte last semester, I have no choice but to make it so this time around.

I have been nervous about the start of this semester as I know that I have Algebra again, and this time I have it everyday at 8 a.m.

Today went really well though. I'm excited about the journey of getting through this and finally graduating with my associate degree. God knows I need to accomplish something to set the stage for my future endeavors.

My saving grace this semester is going to be Zumba! Yes, I had to fill in a one hour credit, so of course I'm taking an aerobic dance class. Zumba is a cross between salsa/latin and hip-hop. At least that is how I explain it. Believe me, those endorphins are going to help me tremendously two days a week.

I am pumped!

Hot Shoes?

Since it is still technically the holiday break, I gave in and let my daughter Scarlett sleep in my bed last night.

We were laying in the bed, and I decided to read the Sumner Parent which is the exact same as the Nashville Parent, but with a different county on the cover.

Scarlett decided she wanted to read it and I tried to give her the copy of "O" the Oprah Magazine since I've already read through it. I showed her the perfume samples she could smell and the pretty purses and shoes.

I start reading an article in Sumner Parent, and she says that she wants that one. "I say, here smell the nice perfume sweetie so mommy can finish." The following dialog is what commenced the next few minutes.

Scarlett: No mommy, it makes me have hot shoes.

Me: Hot shoes?

Scarlett: No! hotshoes!

I'm still not following. Then my mommy brain rewinds rather quickly and for some odd reason remembers watching "Snow White" with her a few days ago. The dwarf Sneezy sneezes when he smells the flowers. Scarlett said, "Those are hotshoe flowers right?" I thought I had corrected her and said that he sneezed and went, "Achoo!" Oh well.

By now I realize what she is trying to say. I say, "Oh, achoo!" She happily nods and says, "Yeah mommy, hotshoes!" "In that case, I'll see if there is an article I haven't read then baby," I tell her. We trade magazines and everyone is happy.

I can't have my four year old coming down with a cruel case of the hotshoes.

As long as she and I are on the same page I can live with her not really knowing what hot shoes are yet! Let's stick with sneakers, Mary Janes and sandals.