Honor Your Soul

Sometimes at night I drink tea to try to relax before turning in. I enjoy the Yogi brand teas as they have a decent flavor that I usually don't need to doctor up with sugar, etc. The thing I like the most about them though are the sayings on the ends of the strings of each tea-bag. 

Tonight my tea had one of those sayings that could not have come at a better time. "Appreciate yourself and honor your soul." Wow! What a powerful statement...honor your soul. This made me think back to yesterday and part of today. 

Yesterday was one of those days, and I assume we have all had them. You know the ones that make you want to throw your hands up and just forget everything. Lost keys, empty gas tank, arguments, stress, whatever!

I have been striving for awhile to maintain a positive outlook on virtually everything, and not feed into negativity. However I still falter at this, and yesterday it seemed like nothing would go right. I said the thing that you should never say. Actually I may have shouted it along with a couple of colorful words. "I hate my life!" 

Even as I said it and felt the anger swell even more, I knew that this was not going to help things. In fact, that kind of attitude usually only tends to escalate a situation from bad to worse almost like a domino effect. I even said to myself almost immediately after the fact that I don't hate my life, I just don't love everything that happens. 

By this time it was pouring rain, getting harder to see, and I realized that a semi-truck was very close and almost hit me in the back on the highway going about 70 m.p.h. or so. I got this image in my mind of cars flying, my car getting smashed against the side, you name it. My mind could have been a scene out of "Final Destination" for about five seconds. 

This jolted me back to reality and I started thinking about my kids and how much I love them, difficulties and all. Then I started thinking about the friends in my life who are the closest to me, and just began going down the list of things to be grateful for. 

The ability to continue my education was high on the list after the basics that I have taken for granted such as eye-sight, food and warmth on a cold night. 

I was talking to a friend a couple of weeks ago about the negativity that some people seem to hold on to for whatever reason. She brought up a good point and basically said that we should all think about what tomorrow would be like if we didn't have what we have today. She added that if she didn't have sheets on her bed tomorrow, she would notice. Amen to that! 

Things aren't perfect by any means, but I think if I continue on my path of trying to maintain a positive outlook, they will eventually be pretty darn close. Perfection is all perception anyway right?

The Dish and Shopping Cart Soap Box

I can't pin-point the exact date and time when I realized that laziness in human beings was a pet peeve of mine. It must have been sometime when I was sixteen and I was working my first job.

While working a first job at sixteen isn't that far-fetched, I had a reason for needing to do this. As much as I thought it unfair to have to hand over my checks every pay day to my stepfather who had lost his job...again, it did help to instill a certain work ethic. Working until 1 am on the weekends and some after school weekdays while having to be at early morning rehearsals so that I could continue to perform was hard, but it didn't kill me. I was just really tired.

Fast forward to this morning after church. My oldest son and my daughter came with me this morning, and I took them to Panera Bread for lunch. I was craving broccoli cheddar soup since the temperature was down in the 50's again in Nashville today.

We were eating our meal and there was a large family/group sitting behind us. I couldn't help overhear some of their conversation and they seemed to have a superficial air about them. People are people though, so at first this was simply amusing to me since I often wonder what motivates those around me to act in certain ways.

Engaging in conversation with my children, I was grateful to be able to take them to lunch and have a meal. After hearing of the extravagant vacation the family behind us is planning to take this summer, their little boy came right up to Scarlett while she is eating. He practically sits in her chair. She is shocked, but smiles at him anyway with as much grace as a five year old can muster.

This doesn't bother me as much as the overall attitude of the group. I figure he's a child and it isn't that big of a deal. I guess the parents didn't think it a big deal either because they didn't even give the usual apologetic smile. I know all about the apologetic smile because I have a strong-willed five year old myself. I don't allow her to run crazy and sit in stranger's laps however.

The group left shortly after that, and left everything on their table. Yes, everything from the abundance of trash to every dirty dish, not to mention the mess on the floor. Excuse me? I believe that is why they have the garbage cans with the little compartments to put your used plates and silverware.

I could be wrong, but the last time I checked, if you are able to walk and prance around in your heels and Louis Vuitton bag hanging carelessly on your shoulder, you can pick up after yourself. Okay, forget the heels and bag. If you can walk and take care of yourself, you can pick up your mess.

It wasn't just me that was disgusted by this behavior. A mother with her teenage son came in shortly after saying that she would hate to see their house. I couldn't help but think that their house is probably clean due to having a professional come in for this particular reason. There were several people looking for a seat who couldn't sit down because of the mess that was left in the crowded Sunday afternoon establishment.

At any rate, it got me thinking about why people feel that it is their right to impose on others in that way. Whether it is leaving a huge mess to be cleaned up, or even leaving a shopping cart in the parking lot, human beings have gotten lazy for the most part. I realize these are small complaints as far as the big picture is concerned, but is it not the small things that pave the way for larger things?

Not putting up the shopping cart is one I really don't understand. Why is it so hard to walk the extra few steps it takes to get to the cart return? I look at that opportunity as a blessing. If I didn't have the use of my legs I damn sure would wish I could walk the extra few steps, but that is just me.

My oldest son and I ended up having a conversation with the mother and her son about teenage chores. Her son assured Che` that he has to do them too. Perhaps in the grand scheme of the afternoon, the rude family leaving their mess paved the way for us to have the conversation with the nice woman and her son.

Scarlett also chimed in from time to time and said, "Mommy those people need to clean up trash. We are learning about littering. I'm learning all about cleaning up our land." I'm hoping she remembers these talks when she has to put her toys away.

In the end, my children and I were full, and had decent conversations amongst ourselves and others. We also cleaned up after ourselves.

Balance Is A Good Thing

I finally feel whole. I don't feel pulled in every direction at once mentally. Of course life is always pulling me in different directions, but it is different since I feel like I am finally in control of my life.

The saying everything happens for a reason is always in the back of my mind. It is frustrating, however when that statement tends to stay in my frontal lobe, and I can't for the life of me know why something happened. It can be very frustrating.

I finally figured out why a relationship ended for me. This was puzzling and hurtful to me because it ended so abruptly and without any explanation or way to communicate about the decision. I became a different person throughout this experience, and forced myself not to call and make contact. This is normally very hard for me because I like to have closure...on everything. When that was taken away from me, it forced me to change my blueprint. The details that followed don't really matter.

The reason I personally believe it happened was to show me that I can get over things without drama, that my reactions to things are my choice and that I cannot control what anyone else around me does. I learned that I can force myself not to make that call or send that text, whatever the situation may be.

It certainly didn't kill me. It suppressed my passionate side for quite some time, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Of course I fixated that energy into other things; important things. My children and I spent a lot of time together during those months of reflection and healing, and this opened the door for me to become completely focused on a life changing job opportunity.

I realize now that it wasn't just a failed relationship that I needed healing from. It was a lot of things. I had never truly gotten to the point where I was completely happy just being me. I was happy, but I never had a moment when there wasn't someone I was thinking about, whether it was a long lost love, or another failed relationship. I can't put my finger on it, but that doesn't seem very healthy to me.

I've joked about being an emotional cutter, but I think I was. Why think about things that cause you pain? To put it in perspective, if every time I visited someone they would beat me until I was black and blue, I damn sure wouldn't keep going back. Why did I do it to myself mentally then? Why did I keep visiting places time and again that couldn't be changed, and only reiterated that I had a broken heart? Why does anyone do this? It doesn't help us!

During this last time, when I finally got over things, I didn't think about anyone in that way. I went on a few dates, but it wasn't anything serious, and I didn't allow myself to open up. I didn't want to at all.

This is when I learned a fact about myself. I am a passionate person, and when I focus that energy into the right things, it is very powerful. When I immerse myself completely in only ONE thing though, is when things have a tendency to get complicated. What an amazing feeling to completely surrender and focus.

The difference right now, in this moment of my life is that I am able to focus on more than one thing. Even if I'm thinking about someone important to me, I can still concentrate on my children and my work and not completely lose myself. Okay, I can still be giddy and tingly but it isn't all I can be. This must be what that wonderful word balance is all about. I'm kind of digging it.