Tonight I came to the realization that it isn't wise for me to keep things bottled up, because it is eventually going to come out in some form or other. I guess that is one of the downfalls of being a passionate person. These past few weeks, I have barely shed a tear. That is strange for me since I'm generally a fairly emotional person, and have the ability to empathize with most any situation.
I've had such a dry spell, that it has even been hard to get emotional on stage for my "semi-emotional" scenes. I guess in the back of my mind I've had the Scarlett O' Hara mentality. This mentality is that crying is for the weak, and in the book she actually felt like crying a few times, but was worried that if she did, she wouldn't be able to stop. This has been my thought process; that if I started to cry, I wouldn't be able to stop.
I didn't want that to happen, because I've rather enjoyed not succumbing to that emotion, especially when it is over such trivial things as a stupid broken heart. Really, that doesn't matter. Strong people don't need love right?
Okay, maybe we do, but dammit I'm sick and tired of crying! So, I said to myself that I was NOT going to cry about things, I was going to suck it up and move on. Believe me, I've sucked up quite a few things in my day, but not without some sort of emotional drama, and it gets old! I can't do it anymore, and if that means not giving in to some sort of emotional-cutting scene, then so be it. I'm done!
Tonight at rehearsal I was on edge more than usual. A few things could have caused this. Being that we open in less than a week, I was pissed at myself for dropping a couple of lines, and my timing was off in one of my songs. I've been dealing with my own feelings about certain things, and I sort of snapped.
I was singing my song "The Fire Within Me" which is after I break down after Beth's death, and I can hear people whispering VERY loudly offstage. Really??? I was so pissed that it showed during the song, but I was having trouble concentrating, and hearing the music. As an actor, you expect a certain amount of noise from an audience, but when your own people are doing it, you think they should know better!
I walked down the stairs and said, "I could hear you the entire time I was singing!!!" Then, I sat down in the wings stage right and proceeded to unleash a terrain of tears that I apparently had not let out in quite some time!
All in all, the off stage talking probably wouldn't have bothered me as much if I wouldn't have had so much to get out.
I often wonder if life would be easier if I didn't have to be so strong. Sometimes I just want to give in and not feel like I have to fight or prove something all of the damn time.
Of course, I'm still working on that balance. I don't want to be rigid and bitter, but I do want to be strong enough to be independent, yet still have a heart. I'm almost there, but dealing with things can be a challenge at times and yet the saying, "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger" is so very true.
I guess it is okay to cry from time to time. I'm learning how to not be ruled by my emotions though, and that in itself is very empowering.
