Valentine's Fun!

Valentine's Day is one of those days that can leave people feeling several things including joy, love and even bitterness in some cases. 

Throughout the years I have felt all of these things when this holiday has come around. However, the past few years I have taken a much different approach. I basically decided that Valentine's Day does not have to be about having love with a romantic partner. One can show love in so many ways; to your children, your friends and family. 

My children know that they never get their gifts until February 15th. That's right, it has become a tradition that they get the 50 percent off chocolates

and toys. 

My daughter and I both love pink and red and all of the fun Valentine's Day themed merchandise. This made it easy finding a few fun activities to do during the month! We made pink chocolate chip and red velvet pancakes. 

We also made cherry floats with vanilla ice-cream and cherry 7-Up and put the floats in wine glasses so that she could feel "fancy." 

Next year we plan on doing one activity a day leading up to February 14th! What is really kind of a silly "holiday" has turned out to be a favorite for the two of us. 

Always a Seahawks Fan!!

I will always be a Seattle Seahawks fan.

I have been a forever fan ever since I had the unique opportunity to cheer for them when my ex-husband was stationed at Ft. Lewis, WA. This was one of the best experiences of my life. Not only was I able to dance on an NFL football field, I had opportunities to sing and I made lasting friendships. This was one of those opportunities in life that I will be forever grateful for. 

Although tonight's loss at the Superbowl was a bit disheartening, I am happy that they made it to that point for the third time. 

Yes, I wanted them to win again, but even if they never win another game or make it to another Superbowl, they will still be the team that gave me a chance. They are team that hired me out of hundreds of women who auditioned, and that feeling alone is irreplaceable. 

To the Seahawks and Sea-Gals, great job tonight! It was a great game. 

The Opera Ensemble: "Florencia en el Amazonas"

My "river" costume. 

Singing in the ensemble with The Nashville Opera is always an enjoyable experience for me. I don't write about it enough, although I have several people that ask me about certain details. 

I have been singing with the company since 2007. Auditions typically take place in the spring of each year and you are required to sing a classical piece of music. Since I am a soprano, examples of arias I have sung are "O Mio Babbino Caro," and "Vissi d'arte." The latter is my ultimate favorite aria to sing. It is from the opera "Tosca, " and after singing in for my voice teacher one day, she told me that it really shows the range and fullness of my voice. (So that is that feeling I get when I just "know" that it is right!) It has stuck with me ever since. 

"Florencia en el Amazonas" was the most recent production I had the opportunity to perform in and we closed on January 27th. This particular opera was staged in a way it had never been staged before with the ensemble portraying the river. This meant that we had to sing on the floor, often on our backs after low crawling into our starting positions. One of the most fun parts for me was during the storm. I was able to incorporate more dance moves and flexibility. When the director says he needs more, I usually don't hold back! I have always had the thought process that it is easier for a director to pull someone back than to try to get more out of someone onstage. 

"Forencia en el Amazonas" is an opera full of gorgeous music and brought back so many memories for me. Remembering things of the past, and hoping to re-connect and get back what was lost, made some portions emotional for me. Florencia's final aria brought tears to me eyes two out of the three performances. If the music and the story of an opera can make someone feel, then the mission has been accomplished in my opinion, The feeling is what it is all about. 

I love being part of such a wonderful company!

We Made Butter!

Thank God it is Friday has been my phrase of choice today because this week has seemed extremely long for some reason.

That isn't to say that it was a terrible week, but I am mentally and physically exhausted. We started our second full week of homeschooling and this was in addition to work and opera rehearsals. 

Scarlett and I tried for a second time this week to make homemade butter during my lunch hour! 

We started off with the ingredients that included whipping cream and a mason jar. Scarlett poured the cream into the mason jar and we took turns shaking it. My oldest son Che' was off work today and helped a little as well, but the majority of the shaking was up to Scarlett and me. Okay, the majority of the shaking was up to me. :-)

After about ten minutes, I opened it up and all I saw was white froth. I kept thinking that perhaps it wasn't going to work again for some reason. After asking Che` to help out for a few minutes while I get a quick bite to eat, he began to notice something forming inside the jar. 

I opened it up, and we saw the ball of butter that has magically formed inside the jar! It may seem strange to some people, but I was really excited to see that our almost endless shaking had paid off. I think I might have even squealed a little! 

After that, I gave Scarlett a coffee filter and a container so that she could strain the buttermilk, which was used earlier tonight to make corn cakes as a side dish with our Cornish hens. The butter tastes wonderful and I even added a dash of salt for flavor. I decided not to add the salt during the shaking process just in case it didn't work again. The idea of salty whipped cream wasn't appealing to me. 

I plan on making butter again in the future! Maybe I can even try to make my own sour buttermilk next time. On second thought, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself!

Homeschooling Week Two: Doubts

I can feel the thoughts of self-doubt creeping in since I don't feel that this week has been as productive as last week. 

 

The week started out well with Scarlett getting more than her required lessons completed on Monday. I had the day all planned out. We would make home-made butter on my lunch break to implement both Science and History. We had the ingredients including the whipping cream and the plastic Tupperware type container for the shaking. Instead of making butter, however, we accidentally made whipped cream due to the fact that the lid on the container wasn't airtight. It wasn't a total loss since I explained how the air was able to get in and that made the whipped cream. We also had fresh whipped cream for our hot chocolate!

This weekend I will be purchasing a mason jar and another container of whipping cream and we will try this again. I think I was more disappointed than Scarlett, because the idea of homemade butter and butter milk being used for cornbread was a nice thought. We will do it right next time. 

It is now Wednesday and I don't feel that we have been very productive since Monday. I am starting to over think the scheduling as well as the curriculum. I have read several posts and articles, and apparently that is something most families who decide to home school go through. 

I am trying not to doubt myself. Whenever I see a gleam in her eye as well as get verbal confirmation that she is enjoying Language Arts, it makes me happy. Reading is one of her main struggles, and as amazing as Scarlett is, she can also be very stubborn. This can sometimes present a challenge. With that being said, the fact that I can already tell that she is enjoying reading more than she used to is half the battle I suppose. Besides, we still have a few more days left this week. :-) 

Discipline Problems and Fun Stuff!

Yesterday was a little more hectic since Scarlett was not in the best mood.

She ended up really acting out by the end of the day and I had to deal with this. She is now grounded from her Kindle Fire until the end of the month which is about three more weeks.  

Today was much better! She got a significant amount of work done and even studied her spelling words for her test I'll be giving her tomorrow! 

During my lunch hour, I finished uploading our latest video to our YouTube channel. We have been doing toy reviews for a few months, and we have a lot of fun with it. Our channel is called  "The Monster Mane," and one of my amazing friends, Dan Williams designed our logo for us! He is a graphic designer, entertainer, super hero costume designer...you name it and lives in Orlando, FL. 

We began doing the toy reviews because Scarlett follows a few YouTube channels and loves it. She asked me if we could start doing it too because she thought it would be fun. I have to tell you, it really is!

Here is our latest video. Thanks for reading and watching! 

Life Lessons and Gratitude = Peace of Mind

I have often said that I feel that I am a much better parent with my daughter Scarlett, and the mistakes I made with the boys are not being made with her.

Don’t get me wrong, when my boys were little, I was so patient, and did everything for them. However by the time I got separated and divorced from my ex-husband, I allowed the daily stress to direct a lot of my decisions and wasn’t nearly as patient. In hindsight, instead of trying to work so much to make ends meet, I should have figured out some way to spend more time with them. That is one of my regrets. However, at the time, I felt that I was doing what was best for them.

The simple things are easier for me now. The phrase, “Do everything for your children” is pretty much second nature. Perhaps it is dealing with a lot that life has dealt; heartaches, financial issues, you name it…that stuff either makes or breaks you. I have had my moments where breaking points were just around the corner, but always overcame them somehow.

Taking things day by day is still a skill that I aim to perfect, but I feel that I am closer now than ever. I am actually strangely fulfilled. I don’t own my home, but I have a decent place to live. I’m not in a relationship with a significant other, but I have a very significant relationship with my children and myself. I am by no means wealthy, but my children and I are healthy. I have opportunities to sing, dance and act in performances, and this has always been one of my biggest passions. I am not reporting as much right now, but I have my blog, so I am still able to write.

Hopefully the previous paragraph was not too sickly sweet, but oh well. I suppose you don’t have to read it. ;-) Yes, I am also grateful for my smart ass way of thinking and somewhat dry sense of humor. 

And…on that note:

I guess all any of us can do is try our best with the life we have and be thankful every day for our blessings and abilities.

1st Day of Homeschooling!!

Scarlett's first day of homeschooling went very well! As excited as I was to begin, I have to say I was a little nervous.

After she ate her breakfast, she plunged right into her curriculum that I decided to start out with. 

While I was still trying to decide if I would be able to home school her, I decided to research several types of curriculum. There is a lot of information out there, but some of the curriculum was way out of my budget. I was beginning to think that I wouldn't be able to do this. 

I found a site titled Time4Learning. They had demos that she was able to try before Christmas break and she loved it.  At only $19.95 a month, I thought this was a steal. I asked around to see if anyone had heard of this curriculum.  A few of my friends who home school as well as the umbrella school I currently have her enrolled in confirmed that this is a very popular curriculum, and some children do very well with it. 

So far so good! Scarlett spent almost the entire part of her school day engaged and happy to learn. She finished several pages in her handwriting book in addition to her online studies. 

I know this is a quick re-cap of our first day, but so far so good! 

The Home School Decision

When I was still married the thought of homeschooling my children was always at the back of my mind. I never thought that I had enough patience or would do a good job.

Now that my oldest is out of high school, I have decided to home school my youngest child, my daughter, age 9. She has been asking me to home school her for the past two years but  I kept thinking to myself, "How on earth will I be able to accomplish this now as a single parent when I didn't even think that I could do it while still married?"

While I still don't have the exact answer to that question, I am going into this with the confidence that I have made the right decision. I don't expect to have all of the answers or to do everything with perfection, but I know that I love my daughter and want the best for her. 

As I noticed her lack of enthusiasm for reading and school as a whole, it made it easier for me to make this decision. She is only in the third grade and was beginning to have a lack of desire to go to school. Elementary school is the time when children should be learning the basics and enjoy the learning process. It shouldn't be a stressful experience. However, it was nice to have the support of her teacher on her last day of public school before Christmas break. She said that she thinks Scarlett will do very well since she seems to thrive in a "one on one" teaching environment. 

I recently took a job working from home. The hours are decent, and what lacks in pay, I save in gas money. This will definitely help with the transition of this new adventure.

Tomorrow is the first full day that I begin homeschooling Scarlett. Wish me luck and I will keep you posted on how things go!

14 Day Gratitude Challenge! Day 1

I subscribe to a daily email newsletter titled "Personal Excellence," and although I have to confess I don't always read it, I decided to participate in this particular challenge. 

A dear friend of mine died a few days ago, and she was one of the most loving people you could ever know. Her motto was "Love, Joy, Peace and Understanding." During her life celebration last night I couldn't help but think that there are so many things to be grateful for and I found this challenge in my inbox this morning. Seeing this as a sign, here goes. 

Day number one of the challenge is to list ten things you are grateful for. 

I am grateful for: 

1) The health and well being of my three beautiful children. (Che, Logan and Scarlett)

2) My health and well being. 

3) The fact that I have a warm bed to sleep in. (Someone once said to me that things may not be perfect, but she would notice if she didn't have sheets on her bed tomorrow.) 

4) Healthy food and drinking water

5) My freedom

6) The fact that I am able to continue my education no matter what stage of life I may be in. :-)

7) My vehicle to get from point A to point B

8) The fact that I was able to travel and study in Costa Rica twice in one year and bring my daughter along. 

9) That I can see the gorgeous sky and hear the wonders of nature. Yes, I do think about this! ;-)

10)My singing voice. 

Wow! I could go on and on. Okay, I'm not wealthy, and I don't have that "perfect" relationship that everyone talks about in those fabulous romantic comedies, but I am pretty well adjusted! My life is in a continuous stage of progression, and that is another thing to be grateful about!

Adiós Costa Rica....

As I was taking my last walk to the pier and ATM, I began reflecting on the events of the past three weeks in Puntarenas, Costa Rica.

There was so much activity and new experiences that I feel as if I've been here for five weeks instead of three. That is a good thing.  I visited four beaches in my time here, went horseback riding in the mountains, rode a jet ski in the ocean of Costa Rica, snorkeled, zip-lined and made some new friends. All in all, I would say I had a very eventful trip. 

The one regret I have is that I am not coming away from this speaking nearly as much Spanish as I initially hoped. For me, it is going to take more time, but I know that when I actually "get it" it will be amazing and I will wonder why it was ever so hard. I can say that I understand a lot more when I listen, and my Spanglish is pretty darn good.

It finally hit me that I was actually leaving when my madre tica (host mom) gave me a departing gift of leather sandals and a T-Shirt with words "Costa Rica Pura Vida" accompanied by a heart-felt card. I got tears in my eyes at this gesture because yes, I will miss the family that welcomed me with open arms so willingly from the beginning. 

My madre tica is a warm and kind lady, and when I visit Costa Rica again, I will be paying her a visit. That is if I am not living with her again. That would be amazing, but circumstances may not happen that way. 

While walking, the streets didn't seem as busy for some reason and I welcomed this opportunity to relish every little thing about this city. The aromas both good and bad, and the people who greet you with a short "buenas" or "buenos" were among the things I was soaking up today. 

The smoothie shop where I spent so much time was closed unfortunately. There is something about a smoothie made with the freshest fruit available that makes it taste so much better. I have never had smoothies this good in the states. I became friends with the owner, and we shared photos of our families. He helped me with Spanish, and that was always a plus here! I wanted to tell him goodbye, but as I said, it was closed today. That is the good thing about Facebook!

Next door to the smoothie shop is "Casa de Helado" and they served one of my most purchased items in Costa Rica. The Granizado Con Leche Condensada y Pinito. (The Churchill) This is a drink that is shaved ice, syrup, pinito (which basically tastes like Carnation instant creamer) and condensed milk on the top. Sounds strange, but it is AMAZING! I couldn't get enough of those, and it will be missed. 

Iguanas/geckos just randomly walk in the street and on the sidewalks in several different sizes. I will miss that as well. Every time I saw one out in the open like that I was so fascinated. 

My body seemed to adjust to the lack of air-conditioning in the hot tropical weather, but I would say that is one thing I won't miss so much. Of course I say that until I return to the winter weather in Nashville! 

I will miss this country and so many things about it, but I miss my children more. It will be so nice to hug them! I will be back...the next time with mi hija in tow. 

Costa Rica, ¡hasta luego!

Honor Your Soul

Sometimes at night I drink tea to try to relax before turning in. I enjoy the Yogi brand teas as they have a decent flavor that I usually don't need to doctor up with sugar, etc. The thing I like the most about them though are the sayings on the ends of the strings of each tea-bag. 

Tonight my tea had one of those sayings that could not have come at a better time. "Appreciate yourself and honor your soul." Wow! What a powerful statement...honor your soul. This made me think back to yesterday and part of today. 

Yesterday was one of those days, and I assume we have all had them. You know the ones that make you want to throw your hands up and just forget everything. Lost keys, empty gas tank, arguments, stress, whatever!

I have been striving for awhile to maintain a positive outlook on virtually everything, and not feed into negativity. However I still falter at this, and yesterday it seemed like nothing would go right. I said the thing that you should never say. Actually I may have shouted it along with a couple of colorful words. "I hate my life!" 

Even as I said it and felt the anger swell even more, I knew that this was not going to help things. In fact, that kind of attitude usually only tends to escalate a situation from bad to worse almost like a domino effect. I even said to myself almost immediately after the fact that I don't hate my life, I just don't love everything that happens. 

By this time it was pouring rain, getting harder to see, and I realized that a semi-truck was very close and almost hit me in the back on the highway going about 70 m.p.h. or so. I got this image in my mind of cars flying, my car getting smashed against the side, you name it. My mind could have been a scene out of "Final Destination" for about five seconds. 

This jolted me back to reality and I started thinking about my kids and how much I love them, difficulties and all. Then I started thinking about the friends in my life who are the closest to me, and just began going down the list of things to be grateful for. 

The ability to continue my education was high on the list after the basics that I have taken for granted such as eye-sight, food and warmth on a cold night. 

I was talking to a friend a couple of weeks ago about the negativity that some people seem to hold on to for whatever reason. She brought up a good point and basically said that we should all think about what tomorrow would be like if we didn't have what we have today. She added that if she didn't have sheets on her bed tomorrow, she would notice. Amen to that! 

Things aren't perfect by any means, but I think if I continue on my path of trying to maintain a positive outlook, they will eventually be pretty darn close. Perfection is all perception anyway right?

The Dish and Shopping Cart Soap Box

I can't pin-point the exact date and time when I realized that laziness in human beings was a pet peeve of mine. It must have been sometime when I was sixteen and I was working my first job.

While working a first job at sixteen isn't that far-fetched, I had a reason for needing to do this. As much as I thought it unfair to have to hand over my checks every pay day to my stepfather who had lost his job...again, it did help to instill a certain work ethic. Working until 1 am on the weekends and some after school weekdays while having to be at early morning rehearsals so that I could continue to perform was hard, but it didn't kill me. I was just really tired.

Fast forward to this morning after church. My oldest son and my daughter came with me this morning, and I took them to Panera Bread for lunch. I was craving broccoli cheddar soup since the temperature was down in the 50's again in Nashville today.

We were eating our meal and there was a large family/group sitting behind us. I couldn't help overhear some of their conversation and they seemed to have a superficial air about them. People are people though, so at first this was simply amusing to me since I often wonder what motivates those around me to act in certain ways.

Engaging in conversation with my children, I was grateful to be able to take them to lunch and have a meal. After hearing of the extravagant vacation the family behind us is planning to take this summer, their little boy came right up to Scarlett while she is eating. He practically sits in her chair. She is shocked, but smiles at him anyway with as much grace as a five year old can muster.

This doesn't bother me as much as the overall attitude of the group. I figure he's a child and it isn't that big of a deal. I guess the parents didn't think it a big deal either because they didn't even give the usual apologetic smile. I know all about the apologetic smile because I have a strong-willed five year old myself. I don't allow her to run crazy and sit in stranger's laps however.

The group left shortly after that, and left everything on their table. Yes, everything from the abundance of trash to every dirty dish, not to mention the mess on the floor. Excuse me? I believe that is why they have the garbage cans with the little compartments to put your used plates and silverware.

I could be wrong, but the last time I checked, if you are able to walk and prance around in your heels and Louis Vuitton bag hanging carelessly on your shoulder, you can pick up after yourself. Okay, forget the heels and bag. If you can walk and take care of yourself, you can pick up your mess.

It wasn't just me that was disgusted by this behavior. A mother with her teenage son came in shortly after saying that she would hate to see their house. I couldn't help but think that their house is probably clean due to having a professional come in for this particular reason. There were several people looking for a seat who couldn't sit down because of the mess that was left in the crowded Sunday afternoon establishment.

At any rate, it got me thinking about why people feel that it is their right to impose on others in that way. Whether it is leaving a huge mess to be cleaned up, or even leaving a shopping cart in the parking lot, human beings have gotten lazy for the most part. I realize these are small complaints as far as the big picture is concerned, but is it not the small things that pave the way for larger things?

Not putting up the shopping cart is one I really don't understand. Why is it so hard to walk the extra few steps it takes to get to the cart return? I look at that opportunity as a blessing. If I didn't have the use of my legs I damn sure would wish I could walk the extra few steps, but that is just me.

My oldest son and I ended up having a conversation with the mother and her son about teenage chores. Her son assured Che` that he has to do them too. Perhaps in the grand scheme of the afternoon, the rude family leaving their mess paved the way for us to have the conversation with the nice woman and her son.

Scarlett also chimed in from time to time and said, "Mommy those people need to clean up trash. We are learning about littering. I'm learning all about cleaning up our land." I'm hoping she remembers these talks when she has to put her toys away.

In the end, my children and I were full, and had decent conversations amongst ourselves and others. We also cleaned up after ourselves.

Balance Is A Good Thing

I finally feel whole. I don't feel pulled in every direction at once mentally. Of course life is always pulling me in different directions, but it is different since I feel like I am finally in control of my life.

The saying everything happens for a reason is always in the back of my mind. It is frustrating, however when that statement tends to stay in my frontal lobe, and I can't for the life of me know why something happened. It can be very frustrating.

I finally figured out why a relationship ended for me. This was puzzling and hurtful to me because it ended so abruptly and without any explanation or way to communicate about the decision. I became a different person throughout this experience, and forced myself not to call and make contact. This is normally very hard for me because I like to have closure...on everything. When that was taken away from me, it forced me to change my blueprint. The details that followed don't really matter.

The reason I personally believe it happened was to show me that I can get over things without drama, that my reactions to things are my choice and that I cannot control what anyone else around me does. I learned that I can force myself not to make that call or send that text, whatever the situation may be.

It certainly didn't kill me. It suppressed my passionate side for quite some time, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Of course I fixated that energy into other things; important things. My children and I spent a lot of time together during those months of reflection and healing, and this opened the door for me to become completely focused on a life changing job opportunity.

I realize now that it wasn't just a failed relationship that I needed healing from. It was a lot of things. I had never truly gotten to the point where I was completely happy just being me. I was happy, but I never had a moment when there wasn't someone I was thinking about, whether it was a long lost love, or another failed relationship. I can't put my finger on it, but that doesn't seem very healthy to me.

I've joked about being an emotional cutter, but I think I was. Why think about things that cause you pain? To put it in perspective, if every time I visited someone they would beat me until I was black and blue, I damn sure wouldn't keep going back. Why did I do it to myself mentally then? Why did I keep visiting places time and again that couldn't be changed, and only reiterated that I had a broken heart? Why does anyone do this? It doesn't help us!

During this last time, when I finally got over things, I didn't think about anyone in that way. I went on a few dates, but it wasn't anything serious, and I didn't allow myself to open up. I didn't want to at all.

This is when I learned a fact about myself. I am a passionate person, and when I focus that energy into the right things, it is very powerful. When I immerse myself completely in only ONE thing though, is when things have a tendency to get complicated. What an amazing feeling to completely surrender and focus.

The difference right now, in this moment of my life is that I am able to focus on more than one thing. Even if I'm thinking about someone important to me, I can still concentrate on my children and my work and not completely lose myself. Okay, I can still be giddy and tingly but it isn't all I can be. This must be what that wonderful word balance is all about. I'm kind of digging it.

I'm Human, Not Superwoman!

Tonight I came to the realization that it isn't wise for me to keep things bottled up, because it is eventually going to come out in some form or other. I guess that is one of the downfalls of being a passionate person.

These past few weeks, I have barely shed a tear. That is strange for me since I'm generally a fairly emotional person, and have the ability to empathize with most any situation.

I've had such a dry spell, that it has even been hard to get emotional on stage for my "semi-emotional" scenes. I guess in the back of my mind I've had the Scarlett O' Hara mentality. This mentality is that crying is for the weak, and in the book she actually felt like crying a few times, but was worried that if she did, she wouldn't be able to stop. This has been my thought process; that if I started to cry, I wouldn't be able to stop.

I didn't want that to happen, because I've rather enjoyed not succumbing to that emotion, especially when it is over such trivial things as a stupid broken heart. Really, that doesn't matter. Strong people don't need love right?

Okay, maybe we do, but dammit I'm sick and tired of crying! So, I said to myself that I was NOT going to cry about things, I was going to suck it up and move on. Believe me, I've sucked up quite a few things in my day, but not without some sort of emotional drama, and it gets old! I can't do it anymore, and if that means not giving in to some sort of emotional-cutting scene, then so be it. I'm done!

Tonight at rehearsal I was on edge more than usual. A few things could have caused this. Being that we open in less than a week, I was pissed at myself for dropping a couple of lines, and my timing was off in one of my songs. I've been dealing with my own feelings about certain things, and I sort of snapped.

I was singing my song "The Fire Within Me" which is after I break down after Beth's death, and I can hear people whispering VERY loudly offstage. Really??? I was so pissed that it showed during the song, but I was having trouble concentrating, and hearing the music. As an actor, you expect a certain amount of noise from an audience, but when your own people are doing it, you think they should know better!

I walked down the stairs and said, "I could hear you the entire time I was singing!!!" Then, I sat down in the wings stage right and proceeded to unleash a terrain of tears that I apparently had not let out in quite some time!

All in all, the off stage talking probably wouldn't have bothered me as much if I wouldn't have had so much to get out.

I often wonder if life would be easier if I didn't have to be so strong. Sometimes I just want to give in and not feel like I have to fight or prove something all of the damn time.

Of course, I'm still working on that balance. I don't want to be rigid and bitter, but I do want to be strong enough to be independent, yet still have a heart. I'm almost there, but dealing with things can be a challenge at times and yet the saying, "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger" is so very true.

I guess it is okay to cry from time to time. I'm learning how to not be ruled by my emotions though, and that in itself is very empowering.

Changing My Blueprint

Feeling as if the entire world is at your fingertips and not knowing what to do or where to go is very frustrating, but that has been my life in a lot of ways.

It is almost as if I've always known I was supposed to do something great, but could never quite put my finger on it or focus my energy. I think that is the learning process of finding out what makes us as individuals tick.

Thinking back on my life so far, I have worn many hats. I've been a child, daughter, sister, mother, adult, performer, soldier, writer, lover, fighter, wife, girlfriend, friend and plenty of other things that should probably go unmentioned.

In that time, it has taken me quite sometime to truly be happy with who I am. Don't get me wrong. I've been happy with myself before, and there have been points in my life when I felt as if I was almost where I needed to be. Almost.

I'm not exactly sure what made me realize that I am truly the cause of my own happiness, but I'm grateful that I finally did. It is nice to know that no matter what other people do or decide, I will be okay.

In the past, when I have been in situations where heart break was prevalent, I would close off into myself, cry for days, and generally wonder what I did wrong. I know. Pathetic.

Who knows why it is different now? In fact, tears have not even been an option. I feel a loss, but it isn't an unhealthy feeling at all. In fact, the entire situation was healthy from the start. Perhaps that is why it is different now, and the realization has finally sunk in that life is forever changing for the good and the bad, and the only person I can control is myself.

I have no idea what the future holds, and it is best that I don't, since knowing tends to work against it in some strange way if that makes any sense.

The kiddos and I are getting ready to move again, and this time I'm not going to make the mistake of thinking that saving money is better than my independence, and the happiness of the children. Of course, had I realized that things would have happened how they did, I never would have changed courses in the first place. Live and learn, and I seem to constantly be doing that.

The past couple of months have been wonderful for the most part except for the ex-husband drama which is precisely why we are moving. I refuse to put myself or them in this situation ever again, and I have come too far to have to deal with this crap.

"Little Women" is coming along well, and lately I've been feeling as though I got type-cast in this role of Jo March. I'm not a tomboy, but she is determined to make anything work, and will fight tooth and nail to accomplish what she has planned.

Rehearsals are therapeutic for me now, and I love completely throwing myself into the roles I'm cast in. I generally have so much energy, that I have to have a place to focus it or I am all over the place. This can be in the form of my children, a relationship, a show, work, you name it. I am slowly but surely learning how to spread my energy evenly throughout everything that needs my focus, and this is another thing that has taken years to accomplish.

I am going to be one awesome old lady one day if I keep this up. Hopefully I will have someone to share my life with by then, but if I don't I'm sure I will have a hobby to keep me busy! I'm thinking Jose` the pool boy. Yeah, I'm only kidding.

Being and staying whole is an ongoing process, but I know I am finally on the right path thank God. When I look back at how I was three years ago, I never would have thought it was possible, and it is a constant work in progress. Yes, I've been told I'm quite a piece of work, and I'm okay with that.

Relating and Not to Chic Flicks

Chic flicks aren't generally my fist choice to see at the movie theater. I prefer to spend the money on movies I deem "theater worthy" such as Sci-Fi, Superhero, and action flicks.

Don't get me wrong; I do like the girly movies as I have a few on DVD and watch them repeatedly when the mood strikes.

I never followed the "Sex and the City" series, and when the first movie came out one of my girlfriends invited me to go with her.

I enjoyed it and have since become a fan, and went to see the sequel last night.

This was a girl's night out event where 16 or more of us got dolled up, went to dinner, enjoyed a couple of beverages, and took up an entire row and a half to see Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda strut their stuff in the desert.

I have to admit I was looking forward to it because I did enjoy the first movie. I could relate to getting my heart ripped out like Carrie Bradshaw in the first one, and kudos to her for having the intestinal fortitude to completely end all contact.

Of course it had a happy fairy tale ending with a small wedding to the same guy that jilted her at the alter.

The sequel was enjoyable and parts were very funny, but I couldn't help think that Carrie and Charlotte really had nothing to complain about.

Carrie finally got the "love of her life" to marry her, they have an amazingly decorated apartment, she has a fabulous job, etc. yet she can't sit at home and relax with "the love of her life." Are you kidding me?

If I were to ever have "the love of my life" there would be nothing to complain about! To her credit she realizes this in the end, but come on.

Charlotte realizes that mother hood is a challenge, and her new child cries day and night. Okay, I have three children and we have all been there.

There is one point in the movie when she breaks down, and I can relate...but not really. The character of Charlotte doesn't work, has a full time nanny, and an adoring husband. Really people?

This is when my "movie fantasy" stopped and I was brought back to the real world and realized that this was just a movie.

I had a wonderful time with my girls and will do it again in a heartbeat. Next time I won't be in critic mode hopefully. :-)

It's Official

A new chapter in my life has officially begun. Although I have been separated from my ex for over two years now, the divorce is final. I got the final paperwork April 1, 2010.

It doesn't feel that different because of our lengthy separation, but it is a bit strange. I no longer have health insurance, and that isn't a good thing, but the children will keep their benefits. All in all the process was very good, and my ex and I get along great for the most part.

Political correctness aside, I have to be honest. Sometimes I feel as if I'm holding back in my blog posts since it is public and anyone can read my personal thoughts and feelings. Ironically, I want people to read my thoughts though. I know...getting around my weird little head is not for the faint of heart, but back to my honest feelings.

The truth is, I'm feeling it all. I'm scared, but since I've been living as a single parent anyway for the past two years, I know what to expect, and so do the children.

I think I'm scared because there is no going back, and it is almost as if a bridge has been burned, and I'm horrible at burning bridges! I'm not the type of person who puts finality in an ended relationship. If at all possible, I will fight tooth and nail to at least keep a friendship if only for the fact that me and that person shared something at one point.

The fact that we have been able to maintain a friendship and improve on it for that matter has been wonderful for the children, and I am very thankful that it has worked out like this.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with the decision. I'm excited about my new chapter, my crossing of the bridge if you will. I keep seeing the woman on a hill,wind blowing in her hair, and letting the scarf blow away in the true spirit of letting go.

All I can do is try my hardest to enjoy the journey, and not worry so much about the destination. Why is this so hard to do? It makes life so much more enjoyable when this is accomplished, but I am the worst about thinking about things entirely too much.

They say the first step is admitting it right? Well, here goes. My name is Amie, and I over think things too much! ;-)

The Choice to Grow

Heartbreak is a terrible thing, but it is also inevitable for the most part.

The great thing about life is the fact that we have the choice to grow from our experiences or not. I have been at points in my life where I felt as if I wanted to dig myself into a pit and never come back up for air. Okay, thankfully I didn't do that, but sometimes the hurt is so bad that you want it to just go away!

I'm unsure of the exact moment when I realized I was going to be just fine, but the moment came nonetheless.

I am finally truly starting to feel at peace with my past choices, and myself in general. I am feeling again. I guess that is the best way to put it. Don't get me wrong; it isn't like I've been going through life in an emo-induced cloud, but I have had some bitter feelings.

"There is no one out there for me, or I will never love again" has rolled off of my lips many times. Did I ever truly want to believe that? Of course not. What I did learn however was that I needed to take a good look at myself. I know it sounds cliche', but if you don't love yourself, then how can you expect anyone else to love you in return?

We are all just human, and want to be loved for the most part and we need to start with ourselves.

I am happy with the realization that life goes on. It really does, and that is a wonderful thing, hiccups and all.

Perspective

When one reads about atrocities that can barely be fathomed by the human mind, it tends to put things in perspective.

Whether it is the tragic Haiti earthquake, or the constant mistreatment of women worldwide, my life is pretty damn good from where I stand.

Ever since I began reading "Half the Sky" by Nicholas D. Kristof, I have found my thought process changing yet again as a woman, single mother, and an American.

I have been trying for some time now to get back to this thankful thought process, and I don't know what in the world was wrong with me.

Americans as a whole have so much to be thankful for. Some say our system is corrupt. Really? Although our system is not perfect, it never will be because it is run by human beings, but so far we have managed for the most part to maintain a certain amount of decorum and healthiness.

We feed those in need via our welfare program although we have a terrible homeless situation. We don't however publicly rape our women just to make a political statement of hate. I'm talking about women and girls who are sometimes ages three and up according to "Half the Sky," and that isn't even the worst of it.

I'm guilty of whining about "stress" as much as any of us. I'm not even saying I will never whine about insignificant things again. I am however, thankful that I'm allowed to express how I feel and have the chance to get an education.

So what if the "love of my life" doesn't pan out? So what if I have to "struggle" to make ends meet? Seriously, there are so many people in this world who will never have any option of surviving or having any good quality of life.

Instead of writing about it, perhaps I will one day be in a real position to make a difference.